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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26031019">coming down</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssscout/pseuds/ssscout'>ssscout</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bastille (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Drama, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Romance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:33:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26031019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssscout/pseuds/ssscout</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A fic about Charlie and Kyle getting together on tour, Charlie sinking into depression and Dan self destructing.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Charlie Barnes/Kyle Simmons</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1.</p>
<p>The mug Kyle handed to Charlie was chipped and the picture of Snoopy and Woodstock faded from years of use. Charlie took it by the handle and smiled, blowing against the hot tea as Kyle disappeared for a moment before returning with an equally faded mug and a packet of biscuits. He sat down beside Charlie on the floor and stretched his legs out, nudging Charlie’s ankle.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell Dan, I got these from his suitcase,” he grinned as he balanced his tea between his legs and opened the packet of Bourbons. </p>
<p>Charlie smiled and took one, “he’ll fucking kill you,” he cleared his throat, his voice cracking; he’d not spoken to anyone all day and it was almost six o’clock. </p>
<p>“He had another packet,” Kyle shrugs, “he’ll never notice.”</p>
<p>“Who has biscuits in their suitcase?”</p>
<p>Kyle grinned as he settled and dunked a bourbon into his mug, “Dan, of course. So, you feeling any better?”</p>
<p>“Mhmm,” Charlie shrugged. The answer wasn’t a complete lie. A complete lie would have been to say that yes, yes he was feeling better and than the impending breakdown he was one hundred percent sure was on its way was just a blip and that he’d ride it out and be a-okay after a few days. That would be the lie.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Kyle took another biscuit, “wanna talk about it?”</p>
<p>It was hard to say that, no, no he did <i>not</i> want to talk about it. Especially without insulting his bandmate. And he’d already managed to alienate himself from Woody and Will after they’d asked him the same question a few weeks ago and he had ducked away and feigned tiredness before avoiding them as much as possible ever since.</p>
<p>“Char?” </p>
<p>“Hmm?” Charlie blinked, aware that Kyle was looking at him with those big brown eyes of his. He had a biscuit crumb in his beard. He didn’t flinch when Charlie reached out and brushed it away.</p>
<p>“Can’t secretly eat Dan’s biscuits if you’re gonna leave the evidence in your beard,” Charlie whispered.</p>
<p>“Come on,” Kyle pushed, “you’re avoiding the subject.”</p>
<p>“The subject?” Charlie knew he was pushing it here but he didn’t want to talk. Not to Kyle. Not to anyone. These were his friends, his <i>new</i> friends. He’d barely known them six months. He wasn’t ready to fuck it up. Not here. Not now. Not ever.</p>
<p>“Hey, Charlie,” Kyle snapped his fingers and Charlie blinked, “what’s wrong? We’re all worried about you.”</p>
<p>Charlie took a sip of his tea, what he needed to say was, “<i>I’ve been battling depression since my teens and I’m finding it really hard to cope at the moment</i>,” but what came out was, “you make the best cuppas out of the band. Woody comes a strong second though.” </p>
<p>Kyle sighed, “yeah but Will? Have you tasted his?”</p>
<p>“Once. Never again,” Charlie gagged as he put his empty mug down on the floor and reached for another biscuit, “it tasted like pond water," he noted around a mouthful of chocolate.</p>
<p>“That’s being nice. I think what you actually mean is it tastes like <i>piss</i>,” Kyle nodded, taking the packet of biscuits just as Charlie was reaching for another, “not letting you have one until you talk to me.”</p>
<p>“I’m just tired,” Charlie sighed, spinning out his default answer. </p>
<p>“Tired?” Kyle nodded, narrowing his eyes as he slowly passed the packet across, “and say, if you were more than just tired, you’d talk to me right? Like, you know that you can come and talk to me any time you need. Cos we’re good mates, me and you,” Kyle nudged him in the side, “right?”</p>
<p>Charlie took the biscuits and nodded, “thank you.”</p>
<p>“For being a mate?” Kyle asked, “or for not pushing it anymore?”</p>
<p>Charlie hesitated but there was a voice in the doorway, one of utter dismay and hurt.</p>
<p>“Are those my biscuits?”</p>
<p>“Oh hey Dan,” Kyle grinned, “what those?” He pointed toward Charlie’s hand, “oh I don’t know, Charlie where’d you get them from?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a few days after Biscuit Gate. Dan seemed to have taken it rather badly even though Kyle had fessed up to it actually being him that had stolen them and then proceeded to buy him a carrier bag full at their next petrol station stop. </p>
<p>Now, Dan was stomping loudly around the dressing room that Charlie had been asleep in since they’d arrived several hours ago. One of the perks of being a touring band member was that he could dodge out of doing any press and usually that meant finding somewhere quiet to read a book or FaceTime his Aunt who looked after his dog when he was away. Lately, however, it had meant time to hide somewhere (even in a cupboard one afternoon) and sleep. Today’s venue had provided no cupboard but plenty of couches and he’d claimed one as his own the moment they had arrived.</p>
<p>“Charlie?” Dan was suddenly standing beside him, looking a little exasperated to say the least.</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>“You seen my phone?” He was patting his pockets down.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Well it was here and you’re the only one who’s been here while we were at that fucking interview.”</p>
<p>Charlie closed his eyes and pulled the cords on his hood tight. Dan didn’t often lose his temper but when he did it was usually pretty catastrophic. </p>
<p>“If you’re accusing me of lifting your phone then you might want to back the fuck off,” Charlie bristled.</p>
<p>“I’m not accusing you,” Dan snapped, “I’m asking you if you know where the fuck I put it down seems as though you’ve been lying in here on your arse for the past four hours.”</p>
<p>“I’m tired. I’ve been having a nap. That okay?”</p>
<p>“I’m not saying it’s not okay,” Dan was clattering about now, angrily unzipping his suitcase, “but we have soundcheck in ten minutes and would you mind just fucking helping me. Please?”</p>
<p>Charlie opened his eyes, watched Dan as he began to shovel through the contents of his case.</p>
<p>“You know, if you went a little slower you might stand a chance of finding it.”</p>
<p>Dan paused and glared at Charlie. The door opened and Kyle walked inside, waving Dan’s phone in the air.</p>
<p>“You left this mate.”</p>
<p>Dan stood up and strode over, “thanks,” he said coldly, taking his phone before he slammed through the door.</p>
<p>“O… kay,” Charlie stared at the swinging door, “what the hell is up with him? Just accused me of stealing his phone and then gave me hell for having a nap.”</p>
<p>Kyle rolled his eyes, “the interview was like pulling teeth. The guy asked him about his hair  and then if he was single and I thought he was gonna rip his head off. Woody and Will answered most of the questions.”</p>
<p>“Seems to have been pissed off with me all week…”</p>
<p>“Nah, he’s not. It’s me he’s pissed off with,” Kyle shrugged, “he had some coke in his case when I raided it last week and I may have told Will and Will may or may not have pinched it.”</p>
<p>“So what? Not like he hasn’t got an endless supply of dealers on tour."</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Kyle sighed, “but he’s been shady as fuck about it,” he shrugged, “anyway, soundcheck time. So get your arse up.”</p>
<p>“Just give me five minutes. I’ll be there.”</p>
<p>“Cool. See you in a mo.”</p>
<p>Charlie closed his eyes as the door softly closed. He didn’t mean to but he fell asleep and the next thing he knew Dan was slamming through the door and Charlie’s eyes snapped open as the singer began to shout at him.</p>
<p>“Are you fucking for real? For fuck’s sake, Charlie, soundcheck. Now!” He grabbed something from his case, (probably some coke, Charlie thought bitterly as he slowly sat up) and stormed back toward the door.</p>
<p>Charlie rubbed his eyes and unfastened the zipper on his hoody.</p>
<p>“Charlie,” Dan turned round to face him, “seriously, now.”</p>
<p>Charlie stood up, fighting the overwhelming urge he had to just turn over and go back to sleep. Dan was starting to lose his cool again and as much as Charlie wanted to see him bubble over and explode at him just to <i>feel</i> something other than this numb, sleepy existence he was beginning to slip back into, he knew that pushing his bandmate’s buttons was not nice and it was not fucking cool. </p>
<p>Dan sighed as Charlie reached him and looked at him.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong, Char?” He asked, his voice softening.</p>
<p>Charlie shrugged, “don’t know mate, don’t know,” he sighed and pushed past him, swallowing down the lump in his throat as he headed down the corridor alone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>2.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle Simmons has invited you to the group ‘Brew Club’ </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : First rule of Brew Club?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo @ Brew Club : Don’t talk about Brew Club?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : No, that’s rule two. Rule one is don’t bring shit biscuits or I will have to kill you. Also, it’s at 1am in the kitchen.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo @ Brew Club : Okay x</i>
</p>
<p>Charlie pocketed his phone and sat back in the chair he’d claimed as his own at tonight’s venue. The rest of the band, along with some of the crew, had gone to get dinner after soundcheck but Charlie had feigned a headache and instead spent the evening so far with his head in a book. He couldn’t concentrate though and had barely made it through the first paragraph before he realised he just wasn’t in the mood. There was probably about an hour before they had to be on stage so he shuffled off his shoes and curled up into a ball in the armchair, pulling his hood up over his head. </p>
<p>He was woken up by a pair of cold hands and something tickling his face moments before the wind was knocked out of him. He tried to wriggle away when he opened his eyes to see that Kyle was the offending bandmate who was now pinning him down to the couch with aforementioned cold hands wedged firmly under Charlie’s hoody.</p>
<p>“Fucking, can’t breathe under here you fucking, you’re like a dead fucking weight, Kyle, ow!” Charlie hurled more expletives at him as he began to tickle him.</p>
<p>“Shoulda come out for dinner then, shouldn’t you? Didn’t think you’d get away with it, did you?”</p>
<p>“I told you, I wasn’t hungry and I had a bad head,” Charlie elbowed Kyle in the stomach which finally stopped him from tickling.</p>
<p>“Well, we bought you some food anyway,” Dan was walking in, waving a paper bag in the air. He paused and glanced at Kyle then at Charlie then back to Kyle and raised his eyebrows and really it was the <i>least</i> subtle thing Charlie had ever witnessed but then Woody and Will were striding in and Kyle was getting to his feet and holding out a hand for Charlie. Charlie took it and sat up.</p>
<p>“How you feeling, Barnes?” Woody asked.</p>
<p>“A little better.”</p>
<p>“You guys are on in thirty minutes, time to get your shit together,” Dick was shouting from the corridor.</p>
<p>A collective sigh filled the room and Charlie got up, straightening out his hoody. He grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it down as Dan started to take everyone through the vocal warm up. <br/>Charlie tried to stay focused but his mind kept slipping to Kyle and to how good and safe and warm he had felt on top of him. He blinked as he caught himself watching Kyle changing his shirt. <i>What the actual fuck</i>? He tried to shake his thoughts away. </p>
<p>“Right, that’s enough of that shit,” Dan called out, “we all ready? Charlie, you getting dressed any time soon?”</p>
<p>Charlie blinked and looked down. Sure he’d not taken his black jeans off for a good six or seven days and his shirt was creased to fuck under his hoody.</p>
<p>“Nah I’m good like this,” he shrugged, weirdly taking great delight in winding Dan up as he shoved his feet into his black Vans and ran a hand through his hair.</p>
<p>“You look like shit,” Dan told him matter of factly.</p>
<p>Charlie shrugged, “and I stand at the back and no one can see?”</p>
<p>“Charlo?”</p>
<p>He blinked. Will was talking to him. He had drawn out a couple of lines of coke on top of the small refrigerator and was holding up a rolled up tenner, his eyebrows raised. Normally, Charlie declined, in fact, usually everyone declined. But Charlie nodded and stepped over to him, taking the proffered note. He snorted the two lines and sniffed, rubbing his nose as he stood up straight. He could feel the others staring at him but he shrugged it off and pulled his hood up over his head, grabbing a beer from the table of drinks. </p>
<p>“Right, you ready boys?” Dick was at the door and Charlie downed his beer, the buzz beginning to swarm around his head as he grabbed another bottle and headed toward the door.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Charlie was usually the first to decline a night out after a gig. It just wasn’t really his scene. He was more a wine and spliff in his bunk kinda guy and often had to be dragged to the after parties, especially if it were happening in a nightclub because Charlie hated those places. Tonight however, he’d found Will after they’d come off stage and shared a few lines with him and drank a couple more beers as the rest of the band said hi to some of the fans who had waited outside for them so when Kyle, Dan and Woody came back inside they were both pretty wired, to say the least. </p>
<p>“Alright?” Kyle wiggled his eyebrows as he bent down in front of Charlie to grab his bag, “you two coming for drinks?”</p>
<p>Charlie looked across at Will, “sure,” he shrugged, “William?”</p>
<p>They piled out of the dressing room, dropping their bags off in the bus before Dick dished out his usual <i>Etiquette Rules</i> about drinking responsibly, not leaving anyone behind to fend for themselves and being back on the bus by one am as they had a schedule to stick to. As usual it fell on deaf ears and he had barely finished before they were all heading off into town. </p>
<p>Of course they ended up in some dive of a nightclub because Kyle was leading the way and they piled down the stairs into the dimly lit basement area that was playing trance music and selling trebles. </p>
<p>“What you havin’ Charlie? Bottle of red and a Woo-Woo?” Dan sniggered as they reached the bar. </p>
<p>Charlie stared Dan down, only distracted when a pair of arms slid around his waist and he felt Kyle’s beard tickling his neck as he bent down and whispered something in his ear. Charlie had no idea what words he’d said, just that for no reason at all (other than the warm breath hitting his ear lobe or the way Kyle’s fingertips were pressing into his hips) he was suddenly very turned on. It had to be the coke. It <i>had</i> to be the coke.</p>
<p>“You dancing with me after that?” Kyle repeated again, nodding toward the bar. Charlie followed his gaze to the elaborate cocktail that Dan was sliding his way. </p>
<p>“Sure. Thanks,” he nodded to Dan who simply rolled his eyes. </p>
<p>“Right, I will keep the floor warm for you,” Kyle grinned, taking the beer that Dan was holding out for him. He downed it and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth, in which moment Charlie could only think of tracing the droplets of the cool liquid away with his thumb then holding it up for Kyle to gently lick…</p>
<p>“Close your mouth.”</p>
<p>Charlie blinked, “what?”</p>
<p>“You’ll catch flies if you don’t,” Dan shrugged with a smirk, grinning as the bartender leaned across and placed something in Charlie’s drink. Everything was beginning to blur and he really, really needed to lie down but he wasn’t too high to notice that she had just lit a sparkler and put it in his drink.</p>
<p>Dan smiled, “it’s called a <i>Flamer</i>,” he shrugged, jumping down off the stool, “enjoy.”</p>
<p>Charlie glared at Dan as he disappeared into the crowd. He let the sparkler burn out, the silver light mesmerising him for a few moments. He downed the drink which, give Dan his credit, was actually pretty fucking good, even if it did burn when it hit his stomach. Looking around to see if he could spot Kyle, he noted the DJ Booth and a clipboard and pen being passed between two girls. Charlie smirked as he hopped down from the bar stool and made his way up to the booth. He scrawled his request on the page, spotting Will leaning against the wall with a beer.</p>
<p>“Hey, Charlo,” Will greeted him, “whatcha doin?” He slurred.</p>
<p>“Just looking for Kyle,” Charlie found himself scanning the crowd; he wasn’t hard to spot, his head clear above most everyone else as he danced along with a couple of the crew.</p>
<p>“You okay Will?” He asked, watching the silly grin that was washing across his bandmates face.</p>
<p>“Yeah. Listen. I got these,” he leant in and held a small bag, “wanna try?”</p>
<p>“What are they?”</p>
<p>“Fucked if I know,” Will shrugged, “poppers?”</p>
<p>Charlie was noticing the buzz from the lines he’d shared with Will less than an hour ago now was starting to ebb off a little, “sure,” he shrugged.</p>
<p>They ducked a little behind the DJ Booth and Will placed one of the pills in his palm, the other into Charlie’s. They washed them down with the beer and giggled like a pair of conspiring teenage girls as they made their way back down the stairs and into the crowd. </p>
<p>Charlie’s heart was beginning to race and he wasn’t sure if it were the pills or the bass from the speakers hammering through his veins. He didn’t care and neither did Will who was grabbing his hand and pulling him into a dance. They swayed from side to side, their arms in the air then back around each other’s waists as the music began to drown out everything that was normally spiralling around Charlie’s mind. </p>
<p>“Hey!” Kyle was suddenly there, his arm around Will, “mind if I borrow this handsome young chap for a dance?”</p>
<p>“Go ahead!” Will was away and dancing with a couple of girls, their bodies bobbing up and down until they were just a speck on the horizon.</p>
<p>Charlie laughed as Kyle bowed and held out his hand. He took it and Kyle pulled him against his body and Charlie was just about ready to die. He closed his eyes, resting against Kyle and let the music take over and it wasn’t until Kyle was gently pulling away and holding him by his shoulders that he realised there was glitter everywhere. He held out a hand, staring at his palm as he tried to catch it.</p>
<p>“How fucking high are you right now?” Kyle was leaning right into him, his eyes not faltering as they looked right inside him. Normally this type of contact would send Charlie running for the hills, or at least in this instant, shuffling away to his bunk and mumbling some sort of incoherent excuse that even he failed to understand. </p>
<p>Charlie blinked, “very,” he grinned and Kyle just laughed and then the song started and Charlie couldn’t believe his luck because honestly the chances of the DJ reading Charlie’s writing let alone being able to find that one particular remix of Pompeii were pretty slim but here it was playing and there was Dan appearing behind Kyle looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.</p>
<p>“Oh for fuck’s sake,” he grimaced as Kyle pulled him back toward them.</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Kyle was laughing, “we can dance cos no one knows it’s us!”</p>
<p>Dan rolled his eyes but let Charlie and Kyle pull him in between them nonetheless and pretty soon they were bobbing up and down to the beat and Charlie was manically shouting the words at Dan who was grinding back against Kyle.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Dan was shouting over the music.</p>
<p>“What for? For indirectly calling me gay with the cocktail?” Charlie laughed.</p>
<p>“No. Well. Okay. I meant for earlier. For being a massive dick.”</p>
<p>Charlie shrugged, “I’m sorry too.”</p>
<p>“What for?”</p>
<p>“For requesting this song.”</p>
<p>“Oh you fucker!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Charlie’s foray into hangover territory had previously involved too much red wine and a subsequent headache and the three times when at Uni he had let his friends talk him into shots and beer and some home made punch at three in the morning. He had never been a big drinker and as his frame suggested, he was most certainly a lightweight. Sure, he dabbled in drugs now and then but never to last night’s extent and never with that much alcohol. That’s why, when he woke up the next day he felt ridiculously sorry for himself and inexplicably angry that he’d joined in with the other’s shenanigans. </p>
<p>“Hey sleepyhead,” Kyle was murmuring.</p>
<p>Charlie opened his eyes. It hurt. Like. Really, really hurt. He closed them again and felt a hand in his hair.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Kyle repeated, “you alive?”</p>
<p>“No,” Charlie grimaced as a wave of nausea crashed over him, “gonna be sick.”</p>
<p>“Alright, I’ve got the bucket here.”</p>
<p>Charlie leant over the edge of his bunk and winced as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the bucket Kyle was holding onto. When he was done and felt like the world around him wasn’t spinning as fast he leant back. </p>
<p>“I can’t believe you have anything left,” Kyle was saying, “you’ve been throwing up all night.”</p>
<p>“Ugh. What? Where are we? I’m sorry,” Charlie suddenly felt very sorry for himself and very, very small indeed and could remember fragments of the night as they fired across his mind. Sharing pills with Will. Dancing to Pompeii. More pills. Beer. A cocktail with a sparkler in. A jug of something green with sugar and cherries. Crashing to the floor. Hitting his head. Kyle on a heap next to him. Laughing. Crying. Being carried back to the bus crying? Oh <i>fuck</i>.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Kyle was smiling when Charlie finally opened his eyes, “we’re on the bus. Just about to stop. Don’t ask me where because you know, that’s well beyond my capabilities.”</p>
<p>“Your arm. We fell.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” Kyle moved a little and Charlie wondered how long he’d been kneeling down on the floor like that next to his bunk, “just a bruise,” he held up his arm, “no biggie.”</p>
<p>“Where’s everyone else? Are they okay?”</p>
<p>Kyle frowned, “everyone is here.”</p>
<p>“I shouted at you all.”</p>
<p>“Yeah you did,” Kyle was giggling, “no idea what you were saying. Something tells me you’re gonna be feeling this for a few days. I can’t believe Will gave you poppers.”</p>
<p>“Hmmm, never again,” Charlie groaned, “I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>“Hey, Charlie, look at me, it’s fine…”</p>
<p>“No,” Charlie swallowed, feeling the tears begin, “Brew Club. I missed Brew Club.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>3.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kyle had been right. The hangover from hell did last for a few days. How Charlie managed to play the next two gigs was beyond him but he kept well away from anything remotely alcoholic and was just working up the courage to try a cigarette at three am in a car park off a lay-by off of God-Knows what motorway when Will came up to him.</p>
<p>“Hey, how you hanging?”</p>
<p>“Out of my arse,” Charlie groaned, “you?”</p>
<p>“I’m grand.”</p>
<p>“How? How are you not dying?”</p>
<p>“It’s called hair of the dog,” Will raised his eyebrows and produced a rolled up tenner from his jacket pocket alongside a little baggy of powder.</p>
<p>“Ugh, no, not for me,” Charlie winced.</p>
<p>“You sure? It will fix you up nice.”</p>
<p>“What you boys doing over here…” Dan stopped as he reached them and looked over Will’s shoulder, “oh,” he grinned, “don’t be shy,” he laughed, prodding Charlie in the shoulder, “and watch out cos this one cuts lines like he’s in fucking prison.”</p>
<p>“I’m good,” Charlie repeated, “I’m still ruined from when was it, like two days ago?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you still look like shit,” Dan nodded with a smirk.</p>
<p>“You’re a right wanker, you know,” Charlie laughed, giving him a gentle shove.</p>
<p>“Speaking of wankers, Kyle is looking for you,” Dan smiled as he linked arms with Will and started to drag him toward the toilet block at the edge of the car park. You know, the kind you only did hard drugs in.</p>
<p>“Where is he?” Charlie called.</p>
<p>“Getting food from that kiosk thingy,” Dan waved across the car park and Charlie spotted Kyle alongside Woody and some of the others standing in front of a burger van. Charlie shuddered. A burger van in the middle of an empty carpark at three am spelt out one thing: Food Poisoning. He hadn’t, however, eaten anything other than a few rounds of toast over the past couple of days and his stomach was growling. Against his better judgement he found himself heading over toward them, digging into his pockets for some change.</p>
<p>“Ah, there you are,” Kyle nodded, “got you the safest option,” he grinned and he handed Charlie a bag of chips. They were drenched in salt and vinegar and Kyle stood a wooden fork in the centre. </p>
<p>Charlie took them with a grateful smile, “thank you,” he shoved one in his mouth, “oh god,” he ate another, “so fucking good. You’re a star.”</p>
<p>“I have my moments.”</p>
<p>“Dan said you wanted me?”</p>
<p>“Yes. Cos chips,” he nodded, “oh and,” he nodded his head away from the others and Charlie followed, falling into step with him, “Brew club is on later if you’re interested?”</p>
<p>Charlie couldn’t help but smile, “sure.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Custard Creams?” Charlie raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“What?” Kyle sat up straight and stared right into Charlie’s eyes, “look, babe, if you’re not into custard creams, the fucking, the, the <i>King</i> of the biscuits then tell me now and we can just call this whole thing off and just save the fuckin’ heartache of it all.”</p>
<p>Charlie laughed and took the packet from Kyle’s hand, “not what I was gonna say. Just, I mean, they’re just a bit beige, aren’t they?” He took a couple and handed the packet back to Kyle before he pulled his mug of tea closer and dipped one into it.</p>
<p>“Oh wow,” Kyle was gaping at him, “he’s a dunker,” he held the pack of biscuits against his chest, “I don’t think I’ve ever been more turned on.”</p>
<p>Charlie near choked and had to place his mug down as he cleared his throat. They’d come to the back room of the bus, nestled themselves in amongst Dan’s recording equipment and a few stray boxes of merch, one of which had become a makeshift table. </p>
<p>“Anyway, not being one for smooth segues, how are you feeling Char?”</p>
<p>Charlie sighed, “better than I did after the gig earlier. I thought that was gonna be the nail in the coffin. Amazing what a cigarette and a bag of chips can do.”</p>
<p>“And am amazing mug of tea made by yours truly?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, well, that goes without saying.”</p>
<p>“But, seriously… you okay? Wanna talk? Fuck, sorry, I’m not prying.”</p>
<p>“Well, honestly,” Charlie paused, gauging if this was gonna be too much. But it was Kyle who had asked him in here to chat. It was Kyle that had stayed with him all day after the hangover from hell had kicked in. Kyle who had spent the past few days offering him hugs and cups of tea and just been there. He sighed and toed and a hole in the corner of one of the boxes.</p>
<p>“Charlie?”</p>
<p>“Do you ever feel like, like, really fucking depressed?”</p>
<p>Kyle seemed to ponder the question for a moment or two and Charlie half expected him to get up and suggest that he spoke to Dan Smith, Resident Pessimist. </p>
<p>“Like, I mean, for no real reason you can think of,” Charlie continued.</p>
<p>Kyle shrugged, “I sometimes feel like the world is a very, very scary place,” he paused, like he was trying to think of the words to say, “kinda like, a lot of shit happens, doesn’t it? And somedays I think about that. Think about the things that have happened in the past to me, or to my friends. And then I think about shit that hasn’t even happened yet, or shit that may never happen but it gets a bit too much at times. My doctor calls it High Functioning Anxiety,” he shrugs, “some months it’s easier to deal with than others.”</p>
<p>Charlie is taken aback, “oh, I didn’t realise.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine. I think I tend to hide it well. Not that I’m ashamed or anything, I just, yeah, it’s not necessary the first thing I want people to know about me,” he took a mouthful of his drink, “so yeah, to answer you, I don’t know what that specifically feels like, but I can understand. I, I take it you do?”</p>
<p>Charlie finished his tea before he carried on, the hole in the box ripping a little more as he kicked at it and then, finally, “I’ve had depression since I was fourteen. It got really bad when I was twenty one and then it’s just been pretty level ever since. Until. Until now. And I can feel it, I can feel it getting worse you know? It’s like when there’s a storm coming. That’s what it feels like in my head. And I’m sorry, you don’t need this…”</p>
<p>“No, hey, it’s fine. It’s totally fine.”</p>
<p>“I just feel like…” Charlie swallowed, “you make me feel like you care,” he near whispered, feeling queasy as the words left his mouth.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Kyle was smiling, his fingers brushing against Charlie’s, “that’s cos I do.”</p>
<p>“I just needed to tell you. Warn you, I suppose. I know I’m not easy to be around when I get like this. This is the first time since I joined you guys that it’s gotten like this.”</p>
<p>“Do you take anything?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I’ll have to make a doctors appointment, get my dosed upped. Otherwise if I don’t want to kill myself, you’ll want to do it for me,” Charlie smiled.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Kyle looked at him wide-eyed, “uhm, no joking about shit like that, please!”</p>
<p>“Uh, but you can joke about my biscuit dunking skills turning you on?” Charlie cackled.</p>
<p>“Hey! Who said I was joking?”</p>
<p>“Knock, knock…”</p>
<p>Of course Dan chose that moment to enter. Of course he fucking did and he took one look between them and, learn to read the fucking room, Charlie thought to himself.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he near-whispered, “sorry, I just wanted my laptop.”</p>
<p>“Sure,” Kyle nodded, glancing around, “here mate,” he leant across a pile of wires and amps, “got it,” he passed it over.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Dan nodded.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Charlie frowned, noting the pinched look on his face.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” he nodded, “just, y’know,” he pointed toward his head before taking his laptop and leaving the room, softly shutting the door.</p>
<p>“Don’t know why he does it,” Kyle sighed, “coke,” he nodded, “always makes him like this after a while.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, don’t worry, my foray into that has well and truly ended. And whatever else Will gave me.”</p>
<p>“That’s the thing, Will seems to just take it and not be effected. It fucks with Dan’s head though. And that’s when he starts being a snappy arsehole.”</p>
<p>“What about you?”</p>
<p>“Not really interested in the shit Dan and Will do, aside from smoking. Sometimes I’ll do some poppers,” Kyle shrugged, “I’ve got enough going on inside here anyway, haven’t I?” He smiled pointing to his head, “anyway, I’m beat. Same time tomorrow?”</p>
<p>Charlie smiled, “yeah,” he nodded, watching as Kyle got up, “night.”</p>
<p>Kyle headed out and Charlie sighed. He thought he’d feel better for speaking to someone about it all. And in a way he did. But the cloud in his head was still there and it was getting bigger and bigger and he could feel that sinking feeling getting ready to consume him and take him down.</p>
<p>It was only a matter of time.</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>“Hey, what you doing in here still?”</p>
<p>Charlie looked up to see Kyle standing in the doorway. A freshly showered Kyle with clean clothes and his hair wrapped in a towel and a frown on his face. Charlie glanced down to his lap, noted he was still holding onto his mug and that he hadn’t moved since Kyle had left last night and he was cold and his throat was dry and Kyle was talking and…</p>
<p>“Charlie?”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>“It’s nearly two in the afternoon, have you just been sitting here since I went to bed?” He was scaling over the boxes and amps and a haphazard midi-keyboard and crouching down in front of Charlie, taking the mug from his hand and, “Jesus, you’re freezing. I thought you were in your bunk, we stopped like an hour ago but the driver needs to take his break so there’s plenty of time. Fuck, Charlie, have you even slept?”</p>
<p>“I… I don’t know,” Charlie swallowed, “fuck, sorry, I’m okay, I’m okay. We’ve stopped? Services, yeah? Showers?”</p>
<p>“Yeah but, hang on,” Kyle pushed his hands down on his shoulders, “have you just been sitting here?”</p>
<p>“I already said,” Charlie sighed, “I’ve got no idea.”</p>
<p>Kyle nodded, “s… sorry.”</p>
<p>“It’s, me, I’m sorry. Look, you don’t need this, me, this same old bull shit. It will pass,” Charlie placed his hands on Kyle’s and prized them off him, “I need a shower.”</p>
<p>“Charlie, that’s not…”</p>
<p>“Please.”</p>
<p>Kyle held his hands up and got up, standing aside, “Dan’s just heading across there.”</p>
<p>Charlie nodded, shivering as he headed out toward the bunks.</p>
<p>“Hey shorty,” Dan smiled, ruffling Charlie’s hair, “you stink, coming for a shower?”</p>
<p>Charlie didn’t look up as he grabbed his bag from his bunk, “yup.”</p>
<p>It was raining as they crossed the car park and Charlie realised that he had no idea where they were or what day of the week it was anymore and nor did he feel inclined to ask. As far as shower blocks at service stations went, this one was pretty clean and Charlie found himself standing under a jet of scalding hot water just to feel anything but the pity party that was fighting to buzz around in his head. </p>
<p>“Yo, Charlie, I’m done, see you back on the bus!”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Charlie muttered as he heard Dan heading out. He washed his hair twice, scrubbed at his skin until he was red then washed his hair again until he could barely see for the wall of steam building up around him. Only then did he shut off the water and get dried, finally pulling on some clean clothes because Dan was right; he did stink before.</p>
<p>By the time he got on the bus, the driver was ready and waiting, turning over the engine. </p>
<p>“Ahh, here he is,” Woody smiled, clapping him on the back, “you okay?”</p>
<p>Charlie gritted his teeth because, no, he wasn’t okay and nothing anyone said or did was going to change that, so stop fucking asking.</p>
<p>“Just tired,” he resorted to his default reply.</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s been a long run,” Woody nodded, “got two days off though, hotel tonight.”</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>Charlie passed Dan and Will in the kitchen area who were deep in discussion with Dick about something that sounded more important than it probably was. He reached his bunk and knelt down to shove his backpack under the shelf at the end but stopped as he noticed the clean bedding that had been put on his bed. He frowned as he placed his bag away and then he noticed the small bear propped up on his pillow. He picked it up. It was a small, grey cat wearing a red knitted jumper and a sailor’s hat. On the tag hanging from it’s ear it said, <i>Brew Club needed a mascot x</i></p>
<p>Charlie smiled and turned to Kyle’s bunk, gently pulling the curtain open. Kyle looked up from the book he was reading and Charlie shuffled his shoes off before he climbed up and into the small space.</p>
<p>“Oh, oh, okay,” Kyle laughed as Charlie pulled the curtain shut behind him. He curled up against Kyle with the cat still in his hand and closed his eyes.</p>
<p>“You found him then?” Kyle asked, then, “are you crying? Charlie…”</p>
<p>“Sssh,” Charlie hushed him, wiping a tear away, “thank you. Thank you.”</p>
<p>Thankfully, Kyle took the hint and wrapped his arms around him; no questions asked.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for the comments/kudos, it means the world (:</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>shout out to trash for helping me start this chapter when we were balls deep in lockdown and my brain had turned to mush. thank you for all the lovely, encouraging comments. enjoy some Charlie/Kyle flirtation.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>4.</p>
<p>“I reckon this is ninety percent baking powder,” Will was saying, his head thrown back, sniffing hard.</p>
<p>“Then why do you keep using it?” Woody was rolling his eyes and shaking his head.</p>
<p>“Addiction, my friend.”</p>
<p>“It’s not funny,” Woody sighed, “I mean, look at the state of the pair of you,” he was pointing more toward Dan who was slumped on the floor against the side of the sofa with his head in his hands.</p>
<p>Charlie watched through tired eyes as the scene played out. They were in London back at Kyle’s house share, a couple of gigs in the city over the next few days so it had made sense to crash here and in Kyle’s words, ‘have a fuck off massive house party’ after the first gig. There were a few people Charlie had met before including Kyle’s housemates and a mix of Dan and Will’s friends who lived nearby. The music had been turned down low and someone had lit some candles and a throng of guests who didn’t have to be up early for work the next day had left a little while ago to go out-out. </p>
<p>The doorbell rang and Woody and a guy called Neil sprung up from their seats, “pizza’s here lads,” Neil was singing as he raced Woody to answer the door. </p>
<p>Charlie’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he shifted a little from where he’d passed out on the couch a while ago after sinking one red wine too many. He unlocked it and smiled as he read the messages.</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club: Brew’s up, brew’s up. My room is the in the attic. The one with the unicorn head on the door, obvs.</i>
</p>
<p>Charlie’s head wobbled as he got to his feet. Will had near passed out and Dan was slipping closer and closer to the floor. Charlie sighed and bent down, gently placing his arms under Dan’s shoulders.</p>
<p>“Hmmm?” Dan opened his eyes, “oh, Charlie,” he smiled, “Charlie.”</p>
<p>“You need to move, you’re gonna bang your head if you fall.”</p>
<p>“You care? That’s sweet,” Dan frowned, leaning in to Charlie. His breath smelt of clove and beer and he licked his lips, “I don’t. Care, that is,” he leaned closer still, his eyes suddenly wide as saucers, “I don’t care anymore.”</p>
<p>“C’mon,” Charlie was struggling to manoeuvre him, “just sit up a little, that’s it,” he smiled as he managed to get Dan propped back up against Will, “you good?” He asked.</p>
<p>“Good? Never better,” Dan’s eyes were shutting and Charlie sighed. He could hear Woody calling from the kitchen and as he glanced down the hallway could see various boxes piled on the table and a group of people suddenly awake and hungry were drifting down toward the smell. Charlie headed up the stairs and paused on the landing. A girl, Ariel, was sitting on her bed in one of the rooms. She glanced up from her laptop and drew a circle with her finger in the air.</p>
<p>“You looking for Ky?” She asked, her finger pointing at him.</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>She smiled, “Charlie, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Cool. Sweet shirt. Door behind you goes upstairs,” she nodded, “talks about you non stop, y’know. Nice to finally meet you.”</p>
<p>Charlie felt his cheeks redden and Ariel had snapped her headphones back on, was looking back at her laptop screen. He turned and opened the door, glancing up the darkened staircase. A moment or so of staring and he found a light switch. He pulled the door shut behind him as he started up the staircase, stopping at the small landing. There were three doors, one in front and one either side. The one in front had a nautical sign hanging at an angle, the word ‘Bathroom’ spelt out in faux-rope. The one to the right was closed but the one on the left with the massive unicorn head hammered into place was slightly ajar. Hesitating for a second, Charlie knocked.</p>
<p>“Entree,” Kyle called and Charlie stepped inside, brushing through the beaded curtain that hung in the doorway. </p>
<p>“Hi,” he smiled.</p>
<p>“Welcome to my boudoir,” Kyle smiled from where he was sitting cross legged on his bed. Charlie found himself looking around in awe. There were plants everywhere and the wall at the far end was painted bright pink, the windows at either end were covered in brightly coloured patchwork curtains and in the corner was a free-standing bath filled with more plants and, inexplicably, next to that sat a drum set and that was new for Charlie because he didn’t even know Kyle could <i>play</i> drums.</p>
<p>“I’m learning,” he nodded toward the drum kit, “come, sit,” he patted the space beside him. </p>
<p>Charlie shuffled his shoes off and wondered over to the bed, not missing the collection of dreamcatchers that hung from the ceiling above or the waft of incense that was coming from a burner on a table adorned with trinkets and crystals and a stack of comics. To say it was chaotic was an understatement, but like the man sitting on the bed, it was calmly so and Charlie found himself smoothing his hands over the silk-like sheets underneath him as he sat down and wondered what they would feel like against his naked body and no, <i>no</i>, not that, not that not…</p>
<p>“Wanna share this?”</p>
<p>Charlie pulled his legs up to his chest as Kyle pulled out a spliff and he smiled, nodding his head.</p>
<p>“Was getting a bit much down there,” Kyle sighed as he lit it up, “Dan okay?”</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Charlie watched as Kyle took a drag, “Woody is downstairs with him. Dan usually get like this?”</p>
<p>Kyle exhaled, blowing a smoke-ring into the air, “he has his moments. I think this tour has taken it’s toll on us all. Fuck, this is really fucking strong stuff,” he paused, “here, let’s shotgun,” he was taking another drag and Charlie’s hands were suddenly clammy and slipping on the sheets beneath his fingertips and Kyle was leaning into him and Charlie opened his mouth, inhaling as Kyle exhaled a cloud of smoke into his mouth. It hit the back of his throat and fuck, he was right, it was strong.</p>
<p>They passed the spliff between each other after that, once the burning in Charlie’s lungs had eased and he leant back against the velvet green headboard, gazing up at the stars painted on Kyle’s ceiling then back over to Kyle who’s eyes were on him and suddenly Charlie wanted to dive deep into those brown pools and lose himself forever but instead he said, “your room is amazing. Not what I thought. I mean, not that I’ve been thinking about your bedroom.”</p>
<p>Kyle just giggled and passed him a mug from the small table beside his bed. Charlie took it and held it between his hands for a while.</p>
<p>“What <i>did</i> you think my bedroom would be like?” Kyle asked, settling back down with his tea, “I mean, all those times you’ve been fantasising about it.”</p>
<p>Charlie laughed and took a sip of his drink. It was warm and sugary and soothed his inexplicably dry throat and he held the mug up toward Kyle and said, “bit wet.”</p>
<p>Kyle rolled his eyes and leant back to the table again, tossing him a couple of packets of biscuits.</p>
<p>“Ooh, chocolate chip cookies, you <i>are</i> spoiling me tonight. What you after?”</p>
<p>“Just some of your company,” Kyle shrugged, “and you didn’t answer.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” Charlie rested his mug between his thighs as he opened one of the packets, “I thought there’d be more kittens. Maybe a Kill Bill poster, some artsy drawing of Multipass Girl.”</p>
<p>“Leeloo,” Kyle was grinning, “there is actually, I just haven’t put her up yet.”</p>
<p>“Knew it,” Charlie took out a handful of cookies and passed one to Kyle.</p>
<p>They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, Charlie sleepily taking in various things around Kyle’s room. The star shaped light shade; the small stack of vinyl sat on top of a very nineties looking record player that had probably belonged to his parents; the small counter stop stove on a table in another corner with the copper kettle and a collection of mugs and boxes of teabags and then the small stack of cards that sat beside it.</p>
<p>“You read Tarot?” Charlie asked.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Kyle blew against his mug, “sorta. Learning. I’ll give you a reading one day, y’know, when I’m not baked and a little more upto scratch.”</p>
<p>Charlie smiled, “my mum used to read,” he trailed off.</p>
<p>“Used to?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Charlie swallowed, “she passed away.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Sorry to hear that,” he squeezed his knee.</p>
<p>“She was very ill,” Charlie paused, “but yeah, she used to do a lot of things like that. She had this little garden on her kitchen window sill. Used to grow herbs and things. Had this spice rack full of potions she’d made up. My parents split up a while before she died. I went to live with my Aunt and she kept everything for me in a box in the loft. I never, I’ve never been able to go through any of it though,” Charlie looked up, shaking his head, “sorry, no idea why I’m telling you all of this,” he smiled, “I’m sleepy. It’s very cosy in here.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you’re telling me,” Kyle leant across and took Charlie’s mug, placing them both down on the table, “I’ve liked getting to know you better the past month or so.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, where’s that time gone? I’ve only known you guys, what, six months?”</p>
<p>“Feel like you’ve always been a part of the band.”</p>
<p>“Aww thanks, but I’m really just a lowly touring member,” Charlie laughed.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Kyle frowned, hurt flashing across his eyes, “you,” he took Charlie’s hand and linked their fingers together, patting them with his other hand, “you are <i>way</i> more than that. Way more,” he reiterated. </p>
<p>Charlie felt the words leaving his lips before his brain had properly engaged. “I like you,” he was squeezing Kyle’s fingers back, “I like you. A lot.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Kyle was nodding, “cos I like <i>you</i> a lot. I mean, I don’t just invite <i>anybody</i> into my room especially not, Woody?” He was looking toward the door and Charlie followed his gaze to find the drummer standing in the doorway.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he sounded out of breath, “so this is where you cretins are hiding. Anyway, slight emergency,” he steadied himself against the doorframe, “Dan has fallen down the back steps outside.”</p>
<p>“Shit,” Kyle sighed, “fallen fallen or <i>ambulance</i> fallen?”</p>
<p>“Ambulance fallen, there’s a <i>lot</i> of blood.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>It turned out to be several bruised ribs and a nice set of stitches above the right eye for Dan. They made it through their other London gig pretty unscathed but Dick and Beau were less than impressed with their antics and as they boarded the tour bus that was taking them onto the European leg of their tour, he was dishing out strict rules and warnings like a teacher on a field trip.</p>
<p>“I don’t want any of you to be greeted by the sniffer dogs when we get off the ferry, comprendez?” Beau was in full on manager mode as the doors closed and the engine started, had even instructed everyone to sit around the small kitchen area, “I don’t care what you do, just keep it fucking discreet and contained, okay? And, Dan, Tom, Ben? Please try and keep the fights to a minimum.”</p>
<p>Dan hadn’t been the only one in A and E that night - Tom and Ben had ended up in an altercation outside a bar and though they insisted they’d thrown their own fair share of punches, had ended up both needing stitches to their heads. Charlie thought it was all a little bit funny and looking around the group Dick had assembled left little to the imagination that everyone was well and truly fucked and the tour wasn’t even half way through. </p>
<p>Charlie had done his fair share of gigging with his other band but mostly it had involved driving halfway across the country in his beat up car, lugging minimal equipment into a pub, playing to a lacklustre crowd of twenty or less and then loading their gear back into the boot and driving home, Charlie more often than not on an open shift at the coffee shop he usually worked in. Kyle had recently assured him that it had been that way until just under a year before they had roped Charlie in and that the fact their relentless touring in a cramped splitter van had finally began to pay off was not something any of them were willing to take for granted anytime soon. Charlie had laughed at some of the stories about those days that the rest of the band had regaled and more often than not he had to pinch himself that he was a part of their current setup and that they actually had a decent tourbus nowadays along with several managers who tried to keep them in check but still there were days like today when Charlie wanted nothing more than to dive back into his own bed back at home and just stop for a moment. And looking around, he could tell that everyone else was feeling it too. He wasn’t one to wish his feelings upon others but for the first time in a long time he felt like he truly belonged somewhere and that he was in the same boat as them, that they were all in this together.</p>
<p>So why was that cloud still there? Why was that pressure still building in his mind? Why were the nights becoming harder and harder to sleep through and the days becoming a blur of him battling the demons that were roaming around inside him? He knew the exhaustion wasn’t helping but he didn’t know what to do. He glanced around as Dick continued to lay down the law, looked at Will who was managing to look vaguely disinterested and alert at the same time; to Woody who was plaiting his hair around a fork, to Tom who was sitting with his eyes half shut, head leant against Dan, to Dan who was struggling to keep his eyes open as he fiddled with the cuffs of his jumper. </p>
<p>And then there was Kyle. Kyle who was watching him through eyes lined with smudged kohl and glitter, rolling them dramatically as Dick continued, seemingly unscathed by the lack of enthusiasm from everyone ‘listening’. Kyle leant into to Charlie, his silver painted nails catching the light as he brushed a strand of hair from Charlie’s eyes.</p>
<p>“I love Dick,” he muttered under his breath, “but right now I think I speak for everyone when I say I wish he would shut the fuck up.”</p>
<p>Charlie struggled to contain his giggle and Dick glanced up, pausing on them as he waited for them to pay attention.</p>
<p>“Right, I think I’ve covered everything,” Dick paused, “Woody, stick the kettle on.”</p>
<p>“Ugh,” Woody looked up from his plait, “why me?”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind,” Will offered as he got up.</p>
<p>“No, no, it’s honestly fine,” Woody backtracked as he jumped out of his seat. </p>
<p>“I’m gonna work on something in the back,” Dan got up, “can you bring me a coffee? Charlie strength please.”</p>
<p>“Aye, aye captain,” Woody saluted him, “you two want one?”</p>
<p>“Nah, I’m good.”</p>
<p>“Ky Ky?”</p>
<p>“I’m good. I’ve got a four pack of Red Bull in my bunk to crack open.”</p>
<p>“Ugh,” Woody shuddered, “dirty bastard.”</p>
<p>“Wanna join me? I downloaded ‘that multipass film’ onto my laptop, thought we could watch it?”</p>
<p>Charlie shrugged, feigning nonchalance, “whatever man, whatever.”</p>
<p>They shuffled back to Kyle’s bunk, Charlie picking up the itinerary that had been placed on everyone’s pillow. </p>
<p>“Two hours to Dover?” Kyle read over Charlie’s shoulder, “hmm, almost enough time to watch all the film.”</p>
<p>“Hang on,” Charlie was shuffling off his converse, “you’re not one of those people who talks over a film and mansplains the plot, are you?”</p>
<p>Kyle smirked as he hopped up into his bunk and set about turning on his laptop. He patted the small space beside him as he lay down, “you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”</p>
<p>Charlie squeezed in, pulling the curtain across. Kyle reached for his bag and pulled out the pack of energy drinks, cracking one open and passing it to Charlie.</p>
<p>“Power Stallion?” Charlie frowned, reading the label, “you’ve lured me in with off-brand energy drinks?” He laughed.</p>
<p>“Yeah well, someone has expensive taste in biscuits, I can’t afford Red Bull anymore.”</p>
<p>Charlie took a swig of the sticky liquid and winced, handing the can back to Kyle, “that’s rank,” he shuddered as Kyle pressed play and rested the laptop on his legs.</p>
<p>“You’ll get used to the taste,” Kyle took a sip, “can you see alright?”</p>
<p>Charlie looked at him out the corner of his eye, plucking up the tiny bit of courage he sometimes (but not often enough) carried around with him as he nudged Kyle in the side until he lifted his arm and wrapped it around Charlie. He curled into Kyle’s side, resting his head on the taller man’s chest.</p>
<p>“Perfect,” he smiled.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for the comments/kudos.</p>
<p>Trigger Warnings for this chapter : drug use, self harm references, rape references and some sickeningly cute flirting.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>5.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Everyone but Dan was sitting eating breakfast in the hotel the next morning. Will’s on-off girlfriend had met up with them and so they had shared a room, leading Woody to room with Charlie, and Dan and Kyle to take another room. Charlie had used the shower at Kyle’s place when they’d been in London but the water pressure wasn’t the best and the trickle that had come out of the shower head had been unsatisfactory to say the least. It wasn’t often they stayed in a hotel, least of all a decent one. So when Charlie had hauled his luggage into the room and spotted the bath, he had done a tiny shriek of joy. </p>
<p>He’d let Woody take a shower first and he was now on the phone to his family as Charlie lay under what could only be described as a <i>copious</i> amount of bubbles. Things he didn’t know could crack were cracking in his body as his muscles relaxed into the hot water. He was just drifting off into a light sleep when there was a knock at the door.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>Woody opened the door and stuck his head into the room, “you decent?”</p>
<p>“I’m completely covered by an entire bottle of Matey Bubbles, so yes.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Woody stepped in, wheeling in a silver trolley, “room service.”</p>
<p>“Oh you ordered!”</p>
<p>“No, actually, I thought we could eat when you’re done. Someone else in the band ordered these, I’m not sure who,” he winked as he pushed the trolley so it sat next to the bath and grabbed the four pack of beers, wedging them under his arm, “you have an admirer,” he pointed to the bottle of champagne and single glass.</p>
<p>Charlie narrowed his eyes as Woody lifted the silver goulash, revealing a packet of Custard Creams. Charlie burst into giggles.</p>
<p>“So,” Woody cleared his throat, “when are you two, you know, gonna do the Fandango or whatever it is you lot call it?”</p>
<p>Charlie snorted, “fuck’s sake, Woody, it’s not called that and also, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Woody raised his eyebrows as he backed out of the room, “whatever. Let me know when you’re done and I’ll order food.”</p>
<p>Charlie cracked open the bottle, expertly popping the cork if he did say so himself. He reached for his phone that he’d left on the bathmat and opened it, messaging Kyle.</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : Really? Champagne? Pour moi? &lt;3 &lt;3</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle : Mais, oui. Only the best for my favourite :* :*</i>
</p>
<p>Charlie swallowed, not sure if he was feeling giddy from the champagne or the messages.</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : are you trying to get me drunk?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle : au contrare. I thought you might need bubbles for your bath.</i>
</p>
<p>Charlie smiled and took a photo of the bottle of bubblebath and hit send.</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle : oh wait, am I being outsassed by Matey Bubble Sailor Guy?!</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : babes, I doubt anyone could out-sass you :* :*</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle : you know it. Enjoy your bath. Oh and, brew club, 1am, reception? I hear they have 24hr tea and coffee.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : I’ll be there.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle : Okay.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle : It’s a date.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : A date :*</i>
</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Charlie was near climbing the walls at half past midnight and Woody looked up from his Switch and rolled his eyes. He’d read and reread the messages and then he’d tried not to cry, laugh or drown in his bath all at once and then he and Woody had ordered pizza and Charlie <i>knew</i> it had to be sickening the way he couldn’t stop smiling and then Woody was giving him a look. But Charlie hadn’t caved because he couldn’t let himself open up to someone else, not just yet. Even if Woody was pretty chilled and Charlie knew certain things about him like how he liked to ring his wife every morning before sunrise and how he liked ribbed white socks but <i>not</i> Nike ones and how he could crack open a bottle of beer while still playing the drums with one hand and not miss a beat or how he thought pineapple on a pizza was an automatic qualifier for the death penalty. But Charlie couldn’t tell him. No matter how free and easy their conversations always went. Not yet. Not just yet. And so he had been pretty insufferable all night and now it was almost one am and he felt sick and Woody was eying him up from where he was working on some drum tracking on his laptop and he sighed.</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Charlie grabbed his hoody, “I’m gonna go get a smoke. Raid the vending machine.”</p>
<p>“Finally. The carpet’s got holes in it from where you’ve been pacing.”</p>
<p>Charlie smiled, shaking as he opened the door, “won’t be long.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Bring me back something from the vending machine.”</p>
<p>“What you want?”</p>
<p>“Ah you know, something blokey,” Woody growled and Charlie rolled his eyes, checking he had his keycard before he let the door click shut. </p>
<p>It was barely ten to when he reached reception so he headed outside, shivering a little as he lit up a cigarette. He must have smoked about four by the time he saw Kyle coming out of the lift. He finished off and wafted the air away before he headed back inside. Kyle was just at the hot drink machine when Charlie reached him and he looked up with a tired smile.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he placed down the two mugs, “sorry I’m a bit late.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, I made the most of it and chain-smoked so you know, when I die of lung disease, totally on you.”</p>
<p>Kyle scoffed and poured milk into the tea, giving them a stir. He banged the spoon on the edge of one of the mugs and it clattered onto the counter. </p>
<p>“You… okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Dan just been a wank stain, that’s all.”</p>
<p>“Oh, what’s wrong?”</p>
<p>Kyle picked up the mugs and Charlie grabbed some packets of sugar as Kyle motioned toward the seating area. Charlie led the way, scooting into a little booth beside the window. He expected Kyle to take the seat across from him but he slid in beside him, their knees touching as he placed down the mugs of tea.</p>
<p>“Dan’s like,” Kyle sighed, “I love him to death and he’s one of my best mates but he can be a <i>lot</i> sometimes and it’s pretty exhausting.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Charlie frowned, opening a sachet of sugar, “did something happen?”</p>
<p>“Look, I don’t want you to think I just talk about anything to anyone… I just, I trust you, okay?”</p>
<p>Charlie nodded for him to continue.</p>
<p>“I didn’t just find cocaine in his suitcase the other week. There, there was some needles too. A wrap of Heroin,” he sighed.</p>
<p>“Fuck.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. And I, I spoke to Will and he was equally as shocked. And that’s why Dan’s been off lately. So, I brought it up this evening with him and as you can imagine it went down like a lead fucking balloon. But what’s worse is, he fucked off out with Ben and I overheard them talking outside the room. He’s gone to score. Like. What the fuck? Like, I don’t worry about him all the time as it is.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Charlie rested his hand on Kyle’s arm, “you’re not responsible for him.”</p>
<p>“I know. I know,” Kyle took a deep breath, “it’s just, his dad died when he was younger - overdosed on Meth.”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Charlie breathed out, “<i>fuck</i>.”</p>
<p>“I know. I don’t wanna betray his trust but I also don’t want this to get so far that it can’t be undone.”</p>
<p>“Have you thought about talking to Dick?”</p>
<p>“Yeah but I don’t want it to go to that.”</p>
<p>“Does Woody know? I mean, maybe we could all get together and then talk to Dan?”</p>
<p>“You mean like an intervention?”</p>
<p>Charlie shrugged, “I mean, yeah, if that’s what it takes.”</p>
<p>“S… sorry, this isn’t what I imagined our first date to be like.”</p>
<p>Charlie near choked, felt himself blushing, even more so as Kyle rested his hand on top of his, gently stroking his fingers.</p>
<p>“And as much as a dick as Dan is being, it was him that finally gave me the push,” he was blushing too now and Charlie couldn’t help but smile.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he said if I didn’t ask you out that he would do it for me and fuck,” Kyle winced, “you know how brash Dan can be at times. I dread to think what he would have said to you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do. So now I have to thank the arsehole?”</p>
<p>“Nah, we can just keep that between us,” Kyle smiled.</p>
<p>“Soo, if this is our <i>official</i> first date,” Charlie grinned despite himself, “we should at least get some chocolate from the vending machine.”</p>
<p>“Oooh, chocolate, you do spoil me,” Kyle’s eyes were sparkling as he squeezed Charlie’s hand, “can I, can I kiss you?”</p>
<p>Charlie bit his lip nervously, “not here,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Oh,” disappointment flashed across Kyle’s face.</p>
<p>“Chris De <i>fucking</i> Burgh is playing! I don’t want Lady in Red to be the soundtrack to our first kiss,” Charlie laughed.</p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, I forgot, you’d prefer some Slipknot?”</p>
<p>“Maybe Disturbed, Down With the Sickness?” Charlie retorted as he got to his feet and motioned with his head toward the door.</p>
<p>It was cold outside but Kyle was quick to envelope Charlie in a hug from behind and spin him around in his arms. They barely made it through the doors as they closed the distance between their bodies and Kyle’s hands came up to cup Charlie’s face. It was gentle, soft and barely there and they both pulled away, Charlie well aware that his eyes were sparkling just like Kyle’s. And then they were crashing together, Charlie on tiptoes as Kyle kissed him harder this time and lips were opening and tongues were clashing and <i>fuck</i>, they were both breathing heavy when they finally stopped. </p>
<p>They ended up sitting on the wall at the front of the hotel car park, sharing a bar of Toblerone and more, sticky-sweet kisses until it was nearly three am and Charlie’s phone was buzzing.</p>
<p>
  <i>Woody : Ru dead?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : Still alive. Lost track of time.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Woody : Okay. Tell Ky I said HI.</i>
</p>
<p>“Well, I didn’t tell him,” Kyle shrugged.</p>
<p>“I don’t think a lot gets past him, does it?”</p>
<p>“No,” Kyle shook his head, “we should, eh, probably go to bed, huh?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Charlie nodded.</p>
<p>“I’ll walk you to your room.”</p>
<p>“I could walk <i>you</i> to your room?”</p>
<p>Kyle stood up and held out his hand, “that works too.”</p>
<p>Charlie had done just that, a weird giddy feeling running through his veins as they’d walked back holding hands and then he had pressed Kyle against the wall outside his room and kissed him so much that when he pulled away he was feeling very, very turned on. By the time he got back to his own room he had managed to compose himself. Woody was fast asleep and he placed down the two bars of chocolate he’d got him next to his phone. </p>
<p>He climbed into bed and for the first time in months instantly fell asleep. </p>
<p>-</p>
<p>Now back to breakfast the next day and the elephant in the room that was Dan, or the lack-thereof. It was almost nine am. Breakfast finished in half an hour and no one had heard from or seen Dan since he and Ben had argued in a back alley somewhere in the town they were staying in because Ben hadn’t wanted Dan to go and meet his mate-of-a-mate-from-uni-who-had-a-really-good-stash.</p>
<p>And of course everyone had argued and more than once, Will had asked why Ben had thought it was okay for Dan to just fuck off on his own but then Ben had bitten back and explained that Dan had all but <i>told</i> him to fuck off and he wasn’t about to be spoken to like shit by his supposed mate. </p>
<p>It was Dick who had broken up any impending arguments, telling everyone calmly to simmer down around a bite of an apple. Charlie had sighed and offered to go with Kyle and check he hadn’t snuck back up to his room. It was half an excuse to spend time alone with Kyle, yes, but it was also because he had this sick, nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach about Dan and it was obvious from the look on Kyle’s face that he did too.</p>
<p>“He’s never done this before,” Kyle sighed as they stepped inside the lift, “used to be Will and me that would stay out all night, believe it or not,” he was smiling a little as he pressed the button and the door shut, “we once got lost in Berlin and decided to follow the wall to find our way back to the hotel only we went the wrong way and ended up miles from where we were meant to be. We managed to get back but we stopped at a McDonalds for breakfast so it was like, almost midday by the time we found the hotel and the bus. Dick was not impressed.”</p>
<p>“He’s probably in the room, y’know, packing his case,” Charlie reached out for Kyle’s hand. Kyle took it and pulled him into a hug. It was the first contact they’d had all day and Charlie felt the giddiness wash over him. He wanted to dive right into Kyle and never look back. But the lift doors were opening and Kyle was letting go and they were walking in silence to the room. </p>
<p>It was empty. Kyle sighed and gathered up Dan’s belongings. </p>
<p>“Daft cunt hasn’t even taken his wallet,” he sighed, tossing it into the case and fastening it. They did a final sweep of the room to check for any missing socks or chargers and then headed back down in the lift. </p>
<p>Charlie’s phone began to buzz just as they stepped out. He went to answer it but Woody who was calling was walking over to them.</p>
<p>“He’s on the bus. Driver just called Dick to say he’d just turned up. Dick is fucking raging, he’s just gone down there now.”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Kyle sighed, “we best go and save him from getting his arse absolutely kicked.”</p>
<p>Everyone but Will, Woody, Kyle and Charlie decided it would be best to hang back and the trepidation of Dick’s rage seemed to silence the four of them as they made their way across the car park to the bus. Charlie half expected to see it on fire - an inferno having started the moment Dick opened his mouth and let rip. </p>
<p>It was eerily quiet and the driver who was having a cigarette outside just nodded at them as he let them past. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Will had stepped inside first, “we okay to join?”</p>
<p>From inside, Dick’s answer was a faint ‘yes’. Charlie was last on, hoisting Dan’s case up with him and leaving it as he followed the others.</p>
<p>“He’s through the back,” Dick look pained, “I’ll give you a bit. Get your luggage sorted for you.”</p>
<p>“Dick?” Kyle frowned.</p>
<p>“Think he needs his mates right now,” was all Dick offered. </p>
<p>If Charlie had thought Dan had looked rough the day before, sporting his three day old split lip and the stitches above his eye then he had been very much mistaken. The word ‘fuck’ echoed around the back room four times as they all stepped inside.</p>
<p>“Jesus, what the hell happened?” Will was the first to speak as he crouched down in front of Dan. He had a black eye and dried blood on his hands and his shirt was ripped and covered in dirt. He wasn’t wearing his shoes, Charlie noted, just one bright yellow sock. He closed the door behind him. Someone had taken it upon themselves to tidy out the room, the boxes of merch now gone and the recording equipment set up along the right hand side. One by one they all edged in closer, Will sitting one side and Woody the other; Kyle and Charlie crouching down on the floor in front of him. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Kyle whispered, gently taking one of Dan’s hands, “what’s happened? Dan, you have to talk to us.”</p>
<p>There was no reply and Charlie had to wonder if there was even anyone in there. He took Dan’s other hand, gently traced his fingers against his wrist, noticing the slightly faded silvery lines that were etched into his skin.</p>
<p>“Come on, Danny,” Woody’s voice was soft; something Charlie hadn’t heard before, “who did this to you?”</p>
<p>Charlie traced his fingers along Dan’s wrist, gently turning Dan’s arm to face him. He glanced over at Kyle, nodding toward the red track marks further up his arm. Kyle nodded and sat up a little, gently tugging Dan’s hand.</p>
<p>“Babes, what have you taken?” He asked, “we’re not here to judge, we just wanna help you.”</p>
<p>“…”</p>
<p>Everyone paused. Frowned.</p>
<p>“What was that?” Kyle whispered.</p>
<p>Dan opened his mouth and repeated, “smack.”</p>
<p>“Off your uni friend?”</p>
<p>Dan closed his eyes. Nodded. He was crying. Will wrapped his arm around him, pulled him against him.</p>
<p>“He wouldn’t stop. I kept telling him to stop. I told him I had money. I couldn’t get him off me.”</p>
<p>Charlie swallowed. He suddenly felt sick.</p>
<p>“Dan,” Kyle paused, “Dan, what are you saying?”</p>
<p>“I told him no,” Dan’s voice was cracking, he was clawing at Will’s shirt, curling up against him, “I told him I had money and wanted to pay but he said he didn’t want money, he wanted me.”</p>
<p>Charlie had seen a lot of shit in his life and he’d seen Dan in various moods throughout the short time he’d known him but he’d never seen anything like this. He was shaking now and Will pulled him closer.</p>
<p>“Dan? Just tell us when you’re ready, okay?” Will told him.</p>
<p>It was a few minutes before Dan said it, before he whispered the words. And it was weird because Charlie felt time slow and he felt the pressure rising all at once and he could hear Dan’s screams in his head as he stroked the scars on his wrist and then there it was, words choked out and barely audible but heard by all four of them as they spilled out into the room.</p>
<p>“I didn’t want to. He forced me. I didn’t want it.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Fuck.</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for the kind reviews/kudos. </p>
<p>tw for this chapter - self harm and non-con references.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>6.</p>
<p>“I swear to God,” Woody was pacing the kitchen area of the bus, “I will fucking <i>kill</i> whoever did this to him.”</p>
<p>“I’ll cut the body up,” Kyle added, “set the remains on fire."</p>
<p>“Come on guys, I know you’re angry but that’s not going to help,” Dick intervened.</p>
<p>Will’s girlfriend, along with Will and Beau, had, after a lot of persuasion, taken Dan to a local hospital. The singer had begged them not to breathe a word but Dick wasn’t stupid and eventually he’d let them talk to him and Beau and now the story if anyone else asked was that Dan had been mugged and the show tonight was cancelled and that was that.</p>
<p>Only, Charlie thought to himself as he sat cradling a mug of tea in his hands, it wasn’t really, was it? It was never going to be over was it? You didn’t just bounce back after this had happened - something that he knew all too well.</p>
<p>“Right, the plan is, we drive to tomorrow’s city today. Beau will follow with everyone else once Dan has been checked out, okay? I know it’s not ideal and I know there are a lot of emotions right now but we all need to try and keep it together, for Dan, okay?”</p>
<p>There was a general muttering of agreement and Woody said something about going to set up the X-Box in the back room and then Tom and Ben went to join him and Dick grabbed his planner and phone and disappeared to make some calls.</p>
<p>“You alright?” Kyle sank down on the seat next to Charlie.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Charlie stared into his mug.</p>
<p>“Same,” Kyle nodded.</p>
<p>“Kyle? Can I ask you something?”</p>
<p>Kyle turned to look at him, a frown forming on his face, “sure. Go for it.”</p>
<p>“Does Dan, does he self harm?”</p>
<p>Something flashed across Kyle’s eyes and he chewed on his bottom lip for a second or two before replying, “yeah, yeah, he used to.”</p>
<p>Charlie nodded.</p>
<p>“What made you ask?”</p>
<p>“I just saw the scars earlier, on his wrist. Never noticed before.”</p>
<p>“Usually wears his calculator watch,” Kyle frowned, “don’t know where it is.”</p>
<p>Charlie nodded, “do you, erm, do you know why?”</p>
<p>“Not really. I mean, we talked about it a few times but I find it hard to understand, like, like why someone would want to hurt themselves like that? Actually, no, I get why, in a way. It’s just there’s a difference between wanting to do it and <i>having</i> to do it.”</p>
<p>“Does he still?” Charlie motioned toward his arm.</p>
<p>“A while ago, I, fuck, so there’s a reason we mainly room together. Because for a while he insisted on sharing with Woody - said they were working on some drum samples which turned out to be fifty percent bullshit because I walked in on him in the shower once and he had cuts on his shoulders. So I guess I made it my job to keep a closer eye on him and for a long time he would tell me when he felt like he wanted to do it and we’d just stay up at night and talk and ride it out? And he told me that getting drunk and high was just like, another way for him to cope with everything he was feeling.”</p>
<p>“I think,” Charlie paused and put his mug down, turning so he was facing Kyle. He took his hands in his, squeezing them, “I think we might have to keep an extra close eye on him now. Something like this, it might trigger him.”</p>
<p>Kyle nodded. Softly, “I know.”</p>
<p>-</p>
<p>It was weird not having Dan and Will on the bus. No one incessantly singing into their phone or leaving crude and sarcastic comments hanging in the air. They stopped at a service station half way into their drive; momentarily forgetting about the shitshow that was going down when they loaded up on burgers, fries and cola and then proceeded to chase one another around a slightly tired-looking playground outside. Woody and Kyle took it in turns to try and bounce Charlie off the see-saw and after being unsuccessful, they found themselves seeing who could get the highest in the air on a swing. After much swearing and banter, Kyle was crowned the champion and Woody, being the good loser that he was called him a cheating cunt and skulked off onto the back of the bus to play Fifa.</p>
<p>It was getting late now and Kyle, Woody and the others had all retreated to their bunks. Charlie couldn’t sleep, even if he had wanted to. And he didn’t. He didn’t trust his mind and the terrors that would no doubt play out to him if he even dared to shut his eyes. He sipped on a can of Kyle’s Power Stallion and tried to read his book. The same page over and over because it wasn’t sinking in. So he found his notebook and opened it up, turning to a clean page to try and empty out some of the thoughts spiralling around inside his head. </p>
<p>He managed a few lines and finished the can of drink. There were some miniature bottles of wine in the fridge that Charlie had lifted from their last rider so he set his notebook down and went off in search of them, returning with six mini bottles of red and a bag of Cool Doritos. He pulled out his phone to message Will.</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : Hey, how are you all?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lord Mother-Farquar : Just heading on our way. Tired.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : How is he?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lord Mother-Farquar : Not too bad, considering. Actually fallen asleep on me. He won’t go to the police.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo : Okay. See you soon?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lord Mother-Farquar : Soon soon xoxo</i>
</p>
<p>Charlie must have drunk all six bottles of wine because now he was trapped in his head and he couldn’t open his eyes and the pressure was building and building and building. There were hands on him. Shaking him. Clawing at his clothes. They were pinning his arms above his heads, fingernails leaving marks on his wrists and they were saying things over and over but he couldn’t hear their words. He was trying to make them stop. Trying to struggle free. But there were three of them and one of him and he just <i>couldn’t</i> make them stop.</p>
<p>“Charlie.”</p>
<p>They knew his name. How did they know his name?</p>
<p>“Charlie.”</p>
<p>He tried to move back, to see their faces but they twisted him around, pressed him down on his stomach. Something heavy was pushing him down. Someone. Not something. Someone.</p>
<p>“Charlie!”</p>
<p>He felt cold air and a burning sensation all at once. He could hear them groaning. They were <i>enjoying</i> this and he struggled to keep his eyes open, struggled against their hands and now they were shaking him and they were shouting at him and…</p>
<p>“Charlie, wake up. Charlie. It’s Kyle. Charlie.”</p>
<p>Charlie woke with a start, gasping for breath. </p>
<p>“Hey. It’s okay. Just a bad dream,” Kyle was kneeling in front of him and he was holding Charlie’s hands and Charlie took a deep breath. He looked around. Saw the empty crisp bag, the empty bottles. He could hear the engine, feel the bus moving. He was okay. He was okay.</p>
<p>“Alright?” Kyle asked.</p>
<p>“My head,” Charlie winced.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Kyle nodded to the empty wine bottles, “I think it’s gonna be a little bit sore in the morning. Do you wanna talk?” He asked, getting up. He cleared the mess away into the bin and filled the kettle. </p>
<p>“Just a bad dream.”</p>
<p>“Mmm, gathered that,” Kyle nodded as he got two mugs down from the cupboard and popped a teabag in each one. He turned back to Charlie, “want to talk about what it was that had you screaming like that?”</p>
<p>Charlie swallowed, “not, not especially,” he shook his head, “too much red, perhaps?” He grimaced. </p>
<p>“Isn’t it the devil’s wine?”</p>
<p>“No,” Charlie smiled, “that’s poetry.”</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Kyle shrugged, “shit, we’re outta milk.”</p>
<p>“Black’s fine.”</p>
<p>Kyle hummed to himself as he waited for the kettle to boil and Charlie found himself mesmerised by him. The way a tuft of hair was sticking up at the back. The way he had an old t-shirt splattered in paint to wear to bed and how it was tucked into a pair of faded Hufflepuff pyjama pants. The way he wore one pink sock and one cherry print sock and the way they both had holes in the heels. The way he danced in time to whatever he was humming as he waited for the tea to brew. </p>
<p>Charlie felt a little queasy (and not just too much wine and a bad dream queasy). He felt unnerved. Like he was standing on the edge of a diving board, about to jump headfirst into this, this, <i>whatever</i> it was that he was feeling.</p>
<p>Kyle was sitting down beside Charlie, placing the mugs on the small table, “got no milk and worse, no biscuits. This is turning into a proper shit show.”</p>
<p>“That’s okay,” Charlie nodded, “we’ve got each other,” he blushed as the words left his mouth before he’d fully processed what he was saying but Kyle didn’t seem to mind. He smiled and nodded his head.</p>
<p>“Why yes, that is correct.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>-</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dan, Will and Beau were just pulling up in the hire car a little after lunch the next day. Charlie was hanging out of his arse and had spent most of the morning throwing up until they arrived at their hotel. It was an old, ornate building and a few of the others had gone off to investigate it’s so-called haunted cellar with one of the people that worked there but Charlie couldn’t have cared less and had stayed back with Dick to help him check everyone into their rooms. He ended up rooming with Kyle and Dan, Woody with Will and his girlfriend (to which he didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news that Woody was gonna be third wheeling it) and was just snoozing on one of the beds when Kyle turned up with Dan.</p>
<p>“Well, that was fucking weird,” he was talking animatedly, “apparently this place is haunted by a coven who were burned at the stake by some locals because they supposedly put a spell on three men to bewitch them into love affairs. That cellar is fucking creepy. Good nap?” He asked, hauling his bag onto the middle bed and taking Dan’s case over to the one by the window.</p>
<p>“Mmm,” Charlie stretched, “sorta. How are you, Dan?”</p>
<p>Dan was standing in the doorway and he stepped forward, letting the door shut. He was wearing some of Will’s old joggers and a clean shirt but he still looked like he did yesterday morning. Charlie folded his hands in his lap.</p>
<p>“You manage to shower there?” He asked.</p>
<p>Dan nodded.</p>
<p>“Shall I run you a bath? There’s loads of toiletries in here.”</p>
<p>Dan nodded again and Charlie stood up, “want a cuddle?” he asked, and much to his relief, Dan nodded again. Charlie strode over to him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, pulling him in. He stiffened a little but took a deep breath and slid his arms around Charlie’s waist. Charlie glanced at Kyle just before Dan started to cry. The taller of the three stepped over to them, wrapping his arms around them both.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Kyle soothed, “we’ve got you, okay? And when you’re ready, you can talk to us, whenever you need to,” Kyle gently kissed the top of Dan’s head and then Charlie’s and fuck, Charlie had to fight to keep his tears from falling.</p>
<p>And that’s what he did.</p>
<p>He fought this.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for all the kind comments (:<br/>TW for themes of rape and drug use.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>7.</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : Is it okay if I invite Dan?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo @ Brew Club : As long as you stress that Rich Tea are neither allowed to be seen or spoken about, then yes, of course.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : Understood and actioned.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle Simmons has invited Danyule to Brew Club.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Danyule @ Brew Club : ??</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : First rule of Brew Club is don’t bring shit biscuits or I will have to kill you. Second rule is don’t talk about Brew Club. (I’m going for irony here, get it?)</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Danyule @ Brew Club : Thanks for the invite. Is there a uniform? A code of conduct? What about time-keeping?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo @ Brew Club : Time keeping will not be necessary as we all know that you, Dan, will be late to your own funeral. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : Fucking, stop asking questions. Next meeting is 2am in the back room (provided Woody isn’t hogging Fifa and shouting expletives at cartoon footballers)</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Danyule @ Brew Club : I’ll be there.</i>
</p>
<p>They’d played three shows across France. And despite Dan’s assurance that there would only be twenty or so people there - all three gigs had sold out. The first gig had been a bit hard for everyone involved, especially Dan. But they’d all tried to act normal and not stare at him or share worried glances if he missed a cue or stumbled through a line and it didn’t go without noting that he didn’t do his usual lap of the crowd during Flaws. Things had weirdly not changed on the surface - they went and did press, played a small radio show to a group of competition winners, did a record store signing and even went shopping. All of which Charlie happily slept through (aside from the shopping because he was one hundred percent there and one hundred percent buying new socks). But then Dan would slink off to his bunk right after the gig and Woody and Will had taken to going to chat to any fans that were lingering around afterwards. Charlie wondered if anyone else could see that they were slowly losing a grip on Dan or if it was just his tired and overworked brain making him think that. </p>
<p>It was post gig three and everyone was currently on the bus - Woody, Will, Tom and Dick involved in a furious card game - Kyle, Dan and Charlie all in their separate bunks as they headed across into Germany. Charlie had been productively writing some lyrics that had been crashing around in his mind. They weren’t exactly brilliant or inspirational but having them on paper and not in his fucking head was helping to alleviate the anxiousness building up within him. </p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : Charlo Bear? You in too?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Charlo @ Brew Club : Is the Pope Catholic?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Kyle @ Brew Club : Genuinely never got that saying…</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Danyule @ Brew Club : It’s a yes, dickhead.</i>
</p>
<p>Charlie smiled as Dan and Kyle swapped aubergine and water pistol emojis and put his phone on charge. His arms were starting to ache from how he’d been sitting hunched over his notebook so he sat up and shimmied onto his back. </p>
<p>He must have drifted off to sleep because they were back again; the three of them. This time he was on his back, his skin scraping against cold gravel and dirt. There were hands pinning his wrists down, hands pinning his ankles down. There was something pressing against his neck. Cold. Metallic. Something warm pressing between his thighs. </p>
<p><i>It’s just a dream</i>, Charlie told himself. It’s just a fucking dream. </p>
<p>The hands were letting go now, the shadowy figures were slowly retreating.</p>
<p>
  <i>See, it’s not real. It’s. Just. A. Dream.</i>
</p>
<p>“Char?”</p>
<p>They were coming back. He shielded his face with his arms.</p>
<p>“Charlie?”</p>
<p>It wasn’t a dream. It was happening. It was happening.</p>
<p>“No. Not again. Please, not again. Please stop.”</p>
<p>“Charlie!”</p>
<p>Charlie sat up with a start, thumping his head on the wall above him. </p>
<p>“Fuck!” Kyle grabbed him, “fuck, I’m sorry,” he was holding him by his shoulders, looking at him with a grimace, “shit that’s gonna bruise. Are you okay? You were having a bad dream again?”</p>
<p>Charlie blinked, rubbing the top of his forehead, “was I? Uh, I don’t remember.”</p>
<p>“You sure? You were shouting at someone to stop.”</p>
<p>Charlie swallowed, “I don’t, I don’t remember. I didn’t even know I was asleep.”</p>
<p>“He alright?” Woody was calling.</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah, fine,” Kyle replied, raising his eyebrows at Charlie, “talk to me. Please.”</p>
<p>Charlie closed his eyes, chewed the inside of his mouth. He was back on that diving board, feet steadying him; toes curling around the edge; body trying not to shake, mouth dry.</p>
<p>“It’s what… h… happened to Dan,” he paused, “maybe I could talk to you both about it? It might help him.”</p>
<p>Kyle looked at him for a moment, studying him. Eventually he nodded.</p>
<p>“Dan’s through the back writing anyway. I’ll go stick the kettle on,” he paused, “Charlie?”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>Kyle smiled and leant forward, brushed his lips against Charlie’s. It was brief but it was everything and Charlie reached his arms around Kyle, pulled him against him. He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the light smell of weed and sandalwood that clung to Kyle’s hoody. He was safe. He was okay. Kyle was gently kissing his hair. Charlie counted to ten then reluctantly pulled away.</p>
<p>“Kettle,” Kyle nodded before leaning in and brushing his lips against Charlie’s. Charlie kissed him back, felt his stomach fluttering as they continued for a while until Kyle pulled away, resting his forehead against Charlie’s.</p>
<p>“Kettle,” he murmured again and this time he stepped back, smiling at Charlie before he headed down into the kitchen. </p>
<p>For a moment Charlie sat in his bunk, his heart racing. He took a deep breath and pulled himself back to reality before heading into the back room. </p>
<p>“Hi,” Dan glanced up from whatever he was typing away at on his Macbook.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Charlie smiled, “alright?”</p>
<p>Dan shrugged, “trying to keep busy.”</p>
<p>Charlie sat down beside him, “don’t worry, I’m not gonna ask how you’re feeling.”</p>
<p>Dan smiled wryly, “it’s weird. Everyone’s being nice to me.”</p>
<p>“I can happily end that.”</p>
<p>“Oh thank you, please do.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Charlie nodded, holding up his hand as he started to count on his fingers, “you’re a messy fucker - there’s about four Pringle cans on the kitchen bench and I know they’re yours because no one else on the fucking planet likes Prawn Cocktail flavour. And what’s worse is <i>none</i> of them are empty! Why can’t you finish a tube before you open another?!”</p>
<p>“I do! They’re just the broken ones.”</p>
<p>“Wait, so you’re telling me you don’t eat the broken ones? Ninety percent of Pringles come broken!”</p>
<p>“They don’t taste the same. You don’t get the full experience. You have to put two in your mouth whole, like a duck beak.”</p>
<p>“Should I just leave you two to it?” Kyle asked from the door.</p>
<p>“He doesn’t eat broken Pringles,” Charlie curled up his nose.</p>
<p>“Yeah, I know,” Kyle nodded, “we’ve tortured him about it for years. I’m glad you are also on his case, here ya go,” he passed Charlie a chipped Peter Rabbit mug and the one with Flopsy Bunny on it to Dan.</p>
<p>“Why do I get Flopsy?” Dan asked as Kyle headed back to the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Cos you’re cute and would probably marry your cousin?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Dan shrugged, “oh, and speaking of cute…” he smirked, “I hear you two have been making vomit inducing heart eyes at one another all week.”</p>
<p>Charlie blushed, “yeah and?”</p>
<p>“And nothing. It’s cute, that’s all. I’m glad you both did something about it. Don’t think I could have taken any more of Kyle’s angst about it.”</p>
<p>“Right, once again, there are no sodding biscuits,” Kyle had returned in his full pyjamas (Slytherin shirt with Hufflepuff pants which Charlie was going to have to have a word with him about), a faded Cookie Monster mug and a joint.</p>
<p>He pushed the door shut behind him and settled down on the floor between Dan and Charlie. </p>
<p>“Will has promised me that this is <i>just green</i>, so if any of you start hallucinating about dungeons and fucking dragons then you know who to go and breathe fire onto.” </p>
<p>They passed the joint around, taking drags and drinking their tea and it wasn’t long until they were moving onto the floor and lying down, both Dan and Charlie using Kyle as a human cushion as they curled up either side of him.</p>
<p>“Do you reckon we’re in Germany yet?” Kyle asked.</p>
<p>Dan squinted and looked to the ceiling of the bus, “nah, x-ray vision still isn’t working.”</p>
<p>Kyle flicked him on the knuckle.</p>
<p>“Ow! I’m injured, remember?”</p>
<p>Kyle’s voice softened, “how did you do this?” He asked, gently rubbing the bandage on Dan’s hand.</p>
<p>Dan looked down at it and Charlie watched as he fiddled with one of the loose white threads, “punched him. And missed. Hit a wall.”</p>
<p>“Was it the guy you scored from?” Kyle asked.</p>
<p>Dan nodded his head, “Yes. I didn’t see his face. My uni mate was there to introduce us then he left. I erm,” Dan swallowed, “I couldn’t seem to do anything to stop him. I fell when I punched the wall and, that’s when he,” Dan took a deep breath, “y’know…”</p>
<p>Charlie reached for Dan’s hand and took it, “hey, it’s okay.”</p>
<p>“Is it though? I mean, is it ever gonna be okay again?”</p>
<p>“Honestly?” Charlie breathed out slowly, “no. Not gonna lie. It changes you. Changes how you see things, I guess.”</p>
<p>Dan looked at him.</p>
<p>“I erm, I’ve never told anyone this before. And I don’t know if it will help. But maybe it would have helped me, back when it happened? Like, to talk about it and not file it away.”</p>
<p>Charlie felt Kyle’s arm slide down his back, gently pulling him closer.</p>
<p>“Just after my eighteenth birthday, I was raped.”</p>
<p>Dan’s face softened, “oh Charlie,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t go to the police or the hospital. I just went home to my flat and I threw my clothes in the bin and I took a lot of showers and then I got very, very stoned for about two weeks. And I thought if I ignored it, it would be like it never happened.”</p>
<p>“Wh… what happened?” Dan asked.</p>
<p>“I met this guy. We went on a few dates. I really liked him. He was a Financial Advisor for some big company and he had flashy cars and drank expensive champagne and took me to his holiday home one weekend. Turns out he had a wife and four kids and I just thought, no, I don’t want to know. So I packed my things and got the train home. I also took his bankcard and withdrew five hundred pounds from it. Turns out Financial Advisors have the easiest pin numbers to guess. I decided to go out and get drunk… I couldn’t get a cab home because it was a Saturday night and the queue was like, half a mile long, so I thought I’d walk home and that the cold air would sober me up a little. </p>
<p>I took the same route I always took and halfway, I knew I was being followed. I turned to see who was there and when I saw no one, I turned back to carry on but they were in front of me. I was drunk and not exactly the strongest person. There was three of them and suddenly I’m in the back of a car and then I’m in this building,” Charlie swallowed, he felt sick and suddenly had to sit up.</p>
<p>The room swayed a little as he managed to move and sit back against the edge of the couch. He closed his eyes and counted his breaths. There was movement beside him and when he finally opened his eyes Dan and Kyle were sitting up, their faces ashen.</p>
<p>“It was a garage or a warehouse. I can’t, I can’t. Fuck,” he breathed out, “they took it in turns and I passed out and when I came to it was morning and I just ran until I found myself in the park in the middle of town and then I went home and, fuck, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know this isn’t helping you Dan, is it? I’m so sorry,” Charlie closed his eyes, squeezing them tightly to stop the tears.</p>
<p>“C’mere,” Kyle whispered and Charlie felt himself being gently pulled into his arms. </p>
<p>Charlie wiped furiously at his eyes. “I just wanted you to know you’re not alone. Even if, right now, that’s how it feels. You’re not,” he told Dan.</p>
<p>They stayed like that for a while; Dan having shifted so he was lying with his head in Charlie’s lap. He could hear the hum of the engine beneath them and Dan’s soft, shaky breaths. Could smell Kyle’s shampoo and that ever faint scent of incense that had clung to his hoody from back home. Charlie curled further into him, wanting so badly to be back in Kyle’s bedroom, the way they had been the other week. They’d slept on separate sides of the bed but at some point Charlie had rolled over and found himself squeezed into Kyle’s side. He’d never felt safer. </p>
<p>There was a knock at the door and groggily, Charlie and Kyle looked up.</p>
<p>“Room for two more?” Will’s voice was soft as he and Woody stepped inside, “we bring gifts.”</p>
<p>The five of them sat in a circle, passing the two joints around until the sun was coming up and they were crossing the border into Germany. At some point they all fell asleep, limbs tangled, bodies exhausted and Dick, having noticed the door slightly open had poked his head in to check everyone was still alive. </p>
<p>A few days later, the photo he took of the five of them curled up asleep together was printed out and pinned to the fridge with a magnet of the Eiffel Tower.</p>
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